15 months later and I’m finally dealing with the pain. I’m not dealing with the pain of a breakup but instead, I’m dealing with the pain I felt in my life from August 2008- November 2009. I spent 15 months of my life loving someone who didn’t know how to love me. Instead of loving me, he treated me with disrespect and rudeness. 15 months… that is a long time! That’s one year and 3 months of my life that I gave to someone. I was blinded by “love” so I chose not to see what was really going on. Now that I’ve realized how much I deserve in life, not only in the business aspect, but also in love, I now know that the 15 months I spent with him was all a lie.
Scared is the word that describes how I felt. Our first fight happened on our first date. That would be a red flag for anyone… but not me. Most relationships have that honeymoon stage. In my relationship, the honeymoon stage lasted days. I didn’t care though. The idea of being in a relationship drew me in. I was tired of being alone. I was tired of giving a lot of me to someone but never getting anything in return. I wanted to be accepted. So despite it all, I went into the relationship with 110 % of me. I give it my all!
Things began to change quickly. The nice guy that I thought he was was taken over by my worst nightmare. Instead of babe or honey, he would call me bitch or whore. I didn’t deserve much so he just treated me like shit. Before I really got to know the kid, I was a happy girl who stopped at nothing to get what I deserved. I didn’t allow for anyone to walk over me. I stood up for what I believed in. I was independent and didn’t need anyone to be happy. But once I decided to be with him, I became the exact opposite of who I really was.
Fighting became my life. Every fight was because of ME. What the fuck did I do to cause every damn fight? I didn’t know. I caused a fight by wanted to go out with my sisters. What the fuck? How come I wasn’t allowed to go out with my sisters? Blinded by love, I started distancing myself from my sisters. We were very close before him, and slowly I drifted away. What ever he was became who I was. When I looked left but he wanted me to look right, we fought. If I breathed the wrong way, he had a problem with it.
There were two incidents that I remember as the very worst parts of our relationships. The first one happened on a Sunday night. My family and I were playing Monopoly. The game was getting boring so we didn’t want to play by the rules. Wanting to change things up, the asshole got mad and started fighting with my sister. Is he fucking serious? Fighting with my sister over fucking Monopoly? I was so embarrassed but I wanted to let him know what I was on his side. So to do so, I went to lay my head on his lap. When I layed my head down, he raised his hands up and pushed my head off of his lap. I have never in my life been physically touched in that way by ANYONE! No one layed their hands on my like that… I didn’t allow it. But, I didn’t say anything. I crawled into my shell and left. The asshole, of course, turned it around and made it seem like it was my fault. It was my fucking fault. I made him want to push my head. How the fuck do I make you feel that way? I’ve never told anyone that he did that to me. It brings so much shame to me to know that I allowed him to do that to me and not stop it. It may seem like something so dumb to some people, but no one should ever lay their hands on another person’s body in that way. Physical force is not ok today or any other day, no matter what happens.
The second incident was when the asshole went on Facebook and wrote, “I need to kill this bitch!!” What did I do to make him write that on a public site? Absolutely nothing. My family saw what he wrote and stood at my defense. I never got to see it because he deleted it. I asked him if he did write it and he denied it. I knew though that he did. My family decided to have a meeting to try to convince me to leave him. I didn’t attend. like really? I was too embarrassed to go. I knew the way he treated me wasn’t ok. I was embarrassed because I allowed it to happen for so long.
Despite all of the horrible things he did to me, I stood by his side. I always tried to make him look better than he actually did. Seeing how much my family disliked him made me wonder, “Maybe this guy really isn’t good for me? They love me so much so why wouldn’t they love the one person I love?” I began to realize that this relationship wasn’t going to work anymore. I fought for this relationship to work the day it started. I was tired of always standing up for someone who always pushed me down. My emotions and mind left the relationship long before I decided to physically leave the relationship. Getting through that feel of letting go of something you tried so hard for it to work out was the best thing about that relationship.
Letting go completely was a wonderful day for me. I was free. Things happen for a reason and I now understand what this relationship was about. I deserve a lot in life. I’m a great girl, as cocky as that sounds. Now I know what I deserve in a relationship. If you don’t have respect for yourself, no one will give it to you. Each and everyday that passes by, my backbone grows stronger and stronger. I am an independent woman! I don’t need to be in a relationship to know that I am loved. I love myself and that’s all that matters! Be who you are and become who you want to be. God will ALWAYS bless you with wonderful things!
